omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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