Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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