i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I smell like Dick and happiness
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
