So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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