So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
