My friends, they love my intelligence
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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