My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
