Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
