I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
