i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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