So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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