Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I need to sanitize my soul.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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