we're making bets on your personal life
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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