so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
