That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
