Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
