I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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