In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
