We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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