There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
