I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
