i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My underwear smells like fireworks.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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