And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
