I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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