First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
i think i just lost a toe
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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