i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
