when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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