Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
