I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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