my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
