New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
