Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
