I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
