I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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