I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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