He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
