Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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