once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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