Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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