the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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