if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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