Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
