totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
