I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
