How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
