Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
