my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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