It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Come see our sink grown plant.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
