It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Even the bartender felt bad for me
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Randomize
