You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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