Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
