I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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