You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
